Sadly, at age 17, i still have not really felt empowered. I would conclude that a sickening phobia of change has kept me from being empowered, but that seems to be just the surface. The smallest changes turn me into a seemingly helpless child. For instance, when my mother changed the furniture arrangement in my living room, I immediately pleaded with her to leave it the way it was. And yes, I cried a little. I haven't figured out yet how to handle even the smallest change in my life. But as I said before, that phobia is only the surface. This fear made me realize that my biggest obstacle in achieving empowerment is control. I still am not able to relinquish my desire for control of everything in my life. My inability to control all change has caused me to fear it, and react rather outrageously when it comes about. For me, my desire for control is like Rita from Mighty Morphon Power Rangers. She was an evil queen, and she controlled all the monsters that came to Earth to destroy the Power Rangers. When the monster was killed, she could bring him back to life, and he would be bigger than ever. That is how my desire for control controls me. It sends my fears here, to me, to fight and destroy my ability to be empowered, and when it seems that those enemies are gone, they come back, bigger than ever. Without control, I find no peace, no happiness. And being addicted to happiness is no fun when you can't obtain it. Right now I crave control, but I also want happiness, and I know that I'm going to have to make a decision about which craving I will keep. I know that one day I will let go of that desire for control and be empowered.Tuesday, June 28, 2011
My Enabler
I know the term "enabler" is usually used in relation to some type of addiction, but I can't help but use it to describe empowerment. In terms of an addiction, an enabler is a bad thing. It's the perosn or thing that makes you hang on to that addiction. But that's what empowerment will do for me. It's the one thing that allows me to hold on to my sweet addiction to happiness.
Sadly, at age 17, i still have not really felt empowered. I would conclude that a sickening phobia of change has kept me from being empowered, but that seems to be just the surface. The smallest changes turn me into a seemingly helpless child. For instance, when my mother changed the furniture arrangement in my living room, I immediately pleaded with her to leave it the way it was. And yes, I cried a little. I haven't figured out yet how to handle even the smallest change in my life. But as I said before, that phobia is only the surface. This fear made me realize that my biggest obstacle in achieving empowerment is control. I still am not able to relinquish my desire for control of everything in my life. My inability to control all change has caused me to fear it, and react rather outrageously when it comes about. For me, my desire for control is like Rita from Mighty Morphon Power Rangers. She was an evil queen, and she controlled all the monsters that came to Earth to destroy the Power Rangers. When the monster was killed, she could bring him back to life, and he would be bigger than ever. That is how my desire for control controls me. It sends my fears here, to me, to fight and destroy my ability to be empowered, and when it seems that those enemies are gone, they come back, bigger than ever. Without control, I find no peace, no happiness. And being addicted to happiness is no fun when you can't obtain it. Right now I crave control, but I also want happiness, and I know that I'm going to have to make a decision about which craving I will keep. I know that one day I will let go of that desire for control and be empowered.
Sadly, at age 17, i still have not really felt empowered. I would conclude that a sickening phobia of change has kept me from being empowered, but that seems to be just the surface. The smallest changes turn me into a seemingly helpless child. For instance, when my mother changed the furniture arrangement in my living room, I immediately pleaded with her to leave it the way it was. And yes, I cried a little. I haven't figured out yet how to handle even the smallest change in my life. But as I said before, that phobia is only the surface. This fear made me realize that my biggest obstacle in achieving empowerment is control. I still am not able to relinquish my desire for control of everything in my life. My inability to control all change has caused me to fear it, and react rather outrageously when it comes about. For me, my desire for control is like Rita from Mighty Morphon Power Rangers. She was an evil queen, and she controlled all the monsters that came to Earth to destroy the Power Rangers. When the monster was killed, she could bring him back to life, and he would be bigger than ever. That is how my desire for control controls me. It sends my fears here, to me, to fight and destroy my ability to be empowered, and when it seems that those enemies are gone, they come back, bigger than ever. Without control, I find no peace, no happiness. And being addicted to happiness is no fun when you can't obtain it. Right now I crave control, but I also want happiness, and I know that I'm going to have to make a decision about which craving I will keep. I know that one day I will let go of that desire for control and be empowered.
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Wow Cynthia.....what a marvelous start to your blog. I could really relate to how you described your struggle for "control." It too is something that I struggle with. I loved how open you were about how you feel and even the example you gave. Everything in my home has a specific place and order and God help anyone who tries to change that order. I can totally relate!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see what else you post on your blog.
One of the things I've learned is that "control" is much about the ability to relinquish control. Especially for high-achieving students, control becomes the way we "manage" life for all we cannot manage. Those emotional, sentimental, relationship aspects of our life-- for all the agility we possess to calculate sum totals or use deductive reasoning-- are sometimes not within our control. They involve other humans who, being imperfect, sometimes let us down or don't live up to our expectations. It took me many years to learn that sometimes: "the best you can do, is the best you can do"... and to loosen up a bit and enjoy life. So, once in a blue moon, I let myself surprise myself... I'm compulsive and organized to a fault... but yes... there are some days when I don't make up my bed... understanding that no one's gonna see it before i return home to make up my bed. A metaphor surely for the energy we spend trying to "control" things that only matter to us. Food for thought. You deserve more of your own best smile, even as you strive to create a world, through the fruits of your labor, in which others are happier and more fulfilled. I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteWell, I finally read it. You need to let things just be. As simple and cliche as that sounds, it is true. You can't control everything in your life and everything happens for a reason, and once you realize that, that's when you can become truly happy. Once you learn that Cynthia, you will truly be empowered. I hope things get better for you.
ReplyDeletei feel you Cynthia , because i am 17 too and i still haven't felt empowered either. i agree with Nichelle and also there's a time and place for everything Cynthia. so be patient and the time will give you an answer
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